Effective yesterday, parking regulations have changed. All faculty and staff are being asked to park at the remote parking facility. There will be shuttle buses to bring you from the facility to campus. Shuttles leave at 7am and 8am or 730am and 915am. Please ask the parking lot attendant when you arrive for the day’s schedule.
Parking fees and shuttle fares will be shifting upward. Cash only. We are unable to provide change. Fees reflect Willard College’s commitment to a sustainable planet.
We would like to provide, in as transparent a manner as is possible at this point, the relationship of enrollment projections to enrollment results. Lots of factors go into enrollment management, including the Willard College Catchment Area, our carrying capacity, the number and quality of purchased high school senior contact information, our discount rate, the discount rate on the discount rate, the tuition of competitor institutions, stock market performance, the performance of the Willard College endowment, the national ranking of Willard College, news stories that may be either positive or negative concerning Willard College, the functionality of our models, the viability of our projections, and externalities that lie beyond our control.
Within these factors, other factors are also at stake. But we have been hear before, and we think that if we all pull together, as a team, we can turn the corner on what at present, and we say this aware of the abovesaidmentioneds, things will improve. Soon. Very. Very soon.
In the meantime, we ask for patience as salaries are modified to adjust to a new, and I think I’m confident in saying, temporary, downward trajectory.
Dear Community, Professor Felix Drubb, Studio Art, has completed his 8 year project, “Stairs.” His artist statement reads as follows: “‘Stairs’ is about verticality. It is about the way we move through and of space. It is platforms that are flat but rise. It is about how we are constrained and how we are liberated. It is a commentary, as well, on domesticity, and how domesticity confers with gender and class. And race! I was surprised by the project when I first conceived it. I had not thought of stairs. I never used stairs. Stairs.”
“Stairs” is currently on display at Professor Felix Drubb’s private residence. Please contact him directly to arrange a viewing time. Professor Drubb’s wife, who inspired the work eight years ago, asks that she not be contacted regarding the installation. In a separate statement, she wrote “And no, you cannot use the bathroom.”
Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying
We recently discovered that Donald Cake, General Counsel of Willard College, received his law degree from the Sylvester County Recycle and Reuse Center. That is to say, to put a finer point on the question, he found a framed law degree on the shelves, purchased said degree, and thereafter presented himself as a bar-certified attorney. We had found some of his legal counsel over the years rather unorthodox. He assured us, for example, that using college endowment money to fund administrator vacations, was within the law. His consultations with human resources also proved costly to the college.
We know that the board of trustees will understand that mistakes were made in hiring Donald Cake.
Gary Chorizo has generously offered to return to campus and will serve as General Counsel-interim.
Around 11am yesterday, Dining Services fielded a call from a distraught student whose food order from one of our 95 campus vending machines had failed to complete. We immediately filled out the necessary paper work and quickly dispatched an Emergency Response Unit to assess the situation. As you can see from the attached photograph, a bag of chips had become trapped during the vending process. When the ERU arrived on the scene, we addressed the afflicted student, and then put in a call to the vendor. Meanwhile, we secured the perimeter to prevent other individuals from utilizing the vending machine. The vendor arrived at 12:13pm and managed to free the bag of potato chips after a brief intervention. The vending machine was then carefully assessed for technical problems. The technician determined that the machine was fully operational and vacated the premises at 1:35pm.
Dining Services would like to thank the ERU team, Provost Lying, Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying, President Cotton, and the Board of Trustees.
Last year President Cotton and Provost Lying convened “The Working Group to Study the Feasibility of a ‘Committee Against Gossip and Slander'” on our campus. That working group was created after a previous working group, “Working Group on the Problem of Gossip and Slander” determined that gossip and slander merited a working group.
Anyway, the “Committee Against Gossip and Slander” is now seeking expressions of interest from faculty, staff, and also enthusiastic students. Basic requirements to serve include a willingness to commit to ten to fifteen hours a week, expertise or interest in learning about systems of surveillance, and above all, enthusiasm to fight against what we at Willard College believe are the two greatest dangers to our institution, Gossip. And Slander. Faculty who join will have their teaching load reduced immediately.
Please direct all inquiries to me. Successful applicants should provide three character witnesses.
Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying
If you missed last week’s amazing conversation between Dr. President Cotton and his Terwilliger College counterpart, and sometime rival, Dr. Degrafeuse, keep reading because we have excerpted some of the evening highlights!
Dr. Degrafeuse: Talk to us about your Leadership Principles?
Dr. Cotton: What an interesting question! Leadership requires confidence. Leadership means knowing when to not ask questions. Curiosity and questions are signs of weakness. If you are at the front, you can’t worry about everyone behind you. You move forward. You don’t look backwards.
Dr. Degrafeuse: What a wonderful answer to my interesting question! How do you know when your leadership is working?
Dr. Cotton: When I’m leading, my leadership is working. When I’m not leading, my leadership is failing.
Dr. Degrafeuse: Some people look at your life style, the houses in Vail and Florida, the expensive cars, and they wonder how a college president can be so well compensated. What do you say the critics?
Dr. Cotton: I’m reminded of a wonderful question: what is a crown to the clouds? Meaning, you have everything in this world to be successful. You don’t needs watches, or jewelry, or fancy clothes. You don’t need frivolous affirmations. Everything beneath the sun is yours to use. Again, what is a crown to the clouds?
Dr. Degrafeuse: What a great question. What is a crown to a cloud? Much has been made about the decline of the Humanities in American colleges. Your thoughts?
Dr. Cotton: We are all humans. And we all have Humanity. I don’t see less Humanity at Willard College. What about Terwilliger College?
Dr. Degrafeuse: Gosh, people seem great on our campus. It bothers me that the folks in History or English seem to claim all the Humanities. That seems, well, wrong. Henry, how do you set priorities?
Dr. Cotton: I start by setting boundaries. Boundaries first. Then Priorities. And my first priority for Willard College is to lead authentically. My authenticity is where it all starts. And if someone questions by authenticity, we have a problem. A crisis. If you can’t trust me, trust me blindly, what are we even doing? That is what I tell my team. Every. Day.
Willard College announces that Harry “Jellyroll” Jenkins has separated from employment after 19 years of loyal, selfless, and often legally perilous service. “Jellyroll” served in many key roles at the college, including adjunct professor of poetry, a public safety officer, defensive assistant coach to the football team, towel boy for the wrestling team, and most recently, as President Cotton’s personal security director. It was in that last position that “Jellyroll” performed a number of tasks that were mission critical to keeping our president, his family, and entourage, safe from a number of physical and financial threats. “Jellyroll” resolved a number issues, including several threats of extortion and lawsuits, for which President Cotton is grateful!
Good luck “Jellyroll.” We remain in your hearts as you head out, silently, into your next role.
After a late Sunday night meeting , the Board of Trustees made a monumental decision. Henceforth, Willard College will be America’s, and perhaps the world’s, first SEVEN YEAR COLLEGE. Thanks to our unique blend of micro-crediting systems, a unique on campus experience, the elimination of formal majors and departments, and a unique financial model, Willard College is ready to take the plunge into what will undoubtedly be the future of higher education.
As we move into 2024, I wanted to share some exciting new developments from Human Resources.
The new Faculty and Staff Lounge is now open. The lounge features comfortable seating and ample space for formal or informal gatherings. Because of the lounge’s unique design features, smoking and consumption of alcohol will be allowed.
We are still working on restoring the dental insurance.
Willard College 