Willard College announces that Harry “Jellyroll” Jenkins has separated from employment after 19 years of loyal, selfless, and often legally perilous service. “Jellyroll” served in many key roles at the college, including adjunct professor of poetry, a public safety officer, defensive assistant coach to the football team, towel boy for the wrestling team, and most recently, as President Cotton’s personal security director. It was in that last position that “Jellyroll” performed a number of tasks that were mission critical to keeping our president, his family, and entourage, safe from a number of physical and financial threats. “Jellyroll” resolved a number issues, including several threats of extortion and lawsuits, for which President Cotton is grateful!

Good luck “Jellyroll.” We remain in your hearts as you head out, silently, into your next role.

Provost Lying

Dear Wider Willard World,

After a late Sunday night meeting , the Board of Trustees made a monumental decision. Henceforth, Willard College will be America’s, and perhaps the world’s, first SEVEN YEAR COLLEGE. Thanks to our unique blend of micro-crediting systems, a unique on campus experience, the elimination of formal majors and departments, and a unique financial model, Willard College is ready to take the plunge into what will undoubtedly be the future of higher education.

More soon, President Cotton and Provost Lying

Dear Willard Faculty and Staff,

As we move into 2024, I wanted to share some exciting new developments from Human Resources.

The new Faculty and Staff Lounge is now open. The lounge features comfortable seating and ample space for formal or informal gatherings. Because of the lounge’s unique design features, smoking and consumption of alcohol will be allowed.

We are still working on restoring the dental insurance.

Sincerely, Dr. Inga Hoots, VP of Human Resources

Dear Campus Professionals,

Provost Lying and I are excited, and I don’t use that word lightly, to announce the new recruitment campaign for the year. We think “Be Differently” promises to draw a whole new generation of young learners to Willard College. Market research showed that people found the phrase “surprising,” “different,” and on target with the Willard College brand and reputational trajectory!

Be Differently. Be Willard.

Provost Lying and Gene Cartel, Director of Marketing and Promotion

Dear Community, Are you feeling stressed, decentered, off-center, unmoored, or discombobulated? Please join Provost Lying for a workshop on Centering. Centering can help us to defocus from negative work experiences, like the environment, the pay, etc.

Dearest Beloved Campus,

We received wonderful news from Dr. Jimmy Clyde, Chair of the Department of Geographology. Over the weekend, while hiking in New Hampshire, Dr. Clyde and his wife, Bonnie, discovered a mountain. He immediately erected a post and affixed a sign to said post and named the protuberance Mt. Willard after his much loved academic home.

While we thank Dr. Clyde for his generous spirit and loyalty, sadly we must also share that Dr. Clyde’s time at Willard has drawn to a close. As our new provost, Dr. Jason “Jack” Lying has reminded us, sunsetting programs is necessary to the larger mission of Willard College.

Dr. Clyde is a pioneer in the field of geographology. One might say that he invented the field.

Thank you Dr. Clyde. And good bye Dr. Clyde.

Sincerely, President Cotton

Dear Campus Community,

At 11:30pm last night President Cotton informed now former provost Vandergrind that he is being removed from his position and responsibilities as Willard College Provost. This decision came after consulting with the Board of Trustees. Former Provost Vandergrind leaves under a cloud of allegations, including usurpation of the president’s authority, insubordination, and undermining the office of the Presidency by the aforementioned violations. Like Provost Pillow, Vandergrind is under investigation for misappropriation of College resources, including having college staff clean his home and pick up his dry cleaning. Such amenities are reserved, as per the College bylaws, for the president.

We are thrilled, however, to welcome Provost Jason “Jack” Lying. Dr. Lying comes to Willard College from Swamp College where he served in a number of academic and administrative positions. Originally hired to teach U.S. History, he was repurposed to teach Biology and then Engineering and then Nutrition and then Real Estate Law and then French (before that program was resigned) after a series of rightsizing incidents led to teaching reassignments. He then went on to administrative positions, as Dean of Dining, Dean of Attendance, Associate Dean of Enrollment, and then Vice President of Enrollment Management. He helped design and launch Swamp College’s B.S. in Life Coaching. He has published widely on cheating, tax fraud, anterior cruciate ligament reconstruction, alternative healing, optimism, parking on college campuses, and leadership. After Swamp College’s penultimate experiment in right sizing he became available to Willard College. We are most fortunate to welcome Provost Lying into our ranks.

If you should see Dr. Lying on campus, please introduce yourself!

Sincerely, President Cotton