Dear Willard College Learning Community Members,

After a brief Hiatus, the Department of Computers is back online! Please join us for an information session where you can learn about the cutting edge courses and seminars available to students. Many of our courses are available to be taken remotely. Live the dream. Technology is our future. Be the future. Dream the Future!

Dr. Melissa Gristle, Professor and Chair of the Department of Computers

Willard College does not forget its great teachers. Too often they are forgotten. And so we are celebrating one of the great ones. Maples Schimmerling. Willard College Professor. Extraordinaire. Thanks Maples!

Provost Vandergrind

Do you listen? Do you really listen? Do you listen empathetically? Do you feel the words you are hearing? Do you HEAR but not LISTEN? If you can answer any of those questions, the required “Empathetic Listening: The Journal Experience” is the answer. Hosted by our very own Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, Director of Counseling Services, Professor of Psychology, member of the Board of Trustees, mother to two children, step mother to three children, and former step mother of several other children, the workshop promises to be a building experience.

The workshop is required for all Faculty and Staff and lasts Monday-Friday, 8am-5pm. There will be weekly sessions all summer. Please sign up now! As space is limited!

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Community Members,

As you may know, we’ve had a tumultuous past few months with respect to Enrollment Management. As Fall enrollment numbers plunged, we made a series of bold administrative moves. First, we fired the entire staff of the Office of Enrollment Management. We then hired consultants to evaluate what was going on. Their report suggested problems beyond the Office of Enrollment Management, so that team was rehired, minus the majority who had found new jobs in the intervening 46 hours. Dr. Knight Waist comes to Willard with years of experience in corporate human resource work. If you’ve ever dined at an Arby’s or Olive Garden, you’ve benefited from Dr. Waist’s expertise!

Welcome Dr. Knight Waist!

Sincerely, Provost Vandergrind

Dear Faculty and Colleagues,

We are really excited to unleash the new promotional material for Willard College. All outgoing materials will feature the phrase “Chose Willard!” This new phrase has been carefully vetted by both our in house team and by Willard College graduate focus groups. We hope this will inspire a new generation of high school students to “Chose Willard!”

Chose Willard!

Sincerely,

Dr. Colney Hatch, Vice President of Marketing and Development

Dear Community, In a recent memorandum concerning the Five Stages of Employment at Willard College we neglected to list Gary Chorizo’s position at the college. We would like to apologize for this oversight. The mistake was made because Mr. Chorizo is currently in the process of being Off-Planked and his paper work was in transit.

Thank you Mr. Chorizo for your years of service.

Provost Vandergrind

After an individual has been hired by Willard College, has signed the contract, they embark upon a FIVE stage process. We at Human Resources, hope this simple lay out will help employees navigate the experience, the Willard Experience, with great comfort and confidence.

Phase One: Onboarding

You will receive keys, passwords, and other equipment required to complete your work

Phase Two: Orientation

This is not the same as Onboarding.

Phase Three: Onboard

The non gerund of “onboarding.” During “onboard,” the individual is an employee of Willard College

Phase Four: Off-Planking

The employee is now a former employee, their employment having been terminated. Off-planking involves returning keys, equipment, and having passwords changed.

Phase Five: Deplanking

The former employee sues Willard College. The College retaliates with its own array of law suits. The former employee is required to sign an agreement, the Deplanking Agreement, wherein they agree to deny having ever worked at Willard College.

We hope this clarifies any confusion,

Sincerely, Dean Thomas Gristle, Vice President of Financial Affairs and Chair of the Campus Beautification Committee and Gary Chorizo

Please join us in offering Dean Wilhemina Matagatos a warm Willard welcome. Dean Matagatos will be fulfilling a new administrative position as Dean-at-Large and will be a direct report to President Cotton and not, as is traditional, to Provost Vandergrind.

Dean Matagatos has had a storied career in higher education thought leadership.

Sincerely and Humbly,

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Students, Faculty, and Staff, Please remember to pick up all fruit that falls to the ground. Facilities just located this banana on the walkway in front of President Cotton’s office. We don’t need to remind you of the dangers that bananas can pose to pedestrians. Let’s build that Community of Care of which Dr. Cotton spoke so movingly last week.

Dean Vandergrind (formerly provost)

Dear Board of Trustees,

As you have heard by now, there were a few issues that came up at the Annual President Cotton Easter Egg Hunt. Suffice it to say that Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton regrets her behavior towards two of the children of Willard College staff. Dr. Cotton found the children, ages 4 and 6, in a RESTRICTED area of the Cotton residence. Concerned that they had taken some of the household silverware, she had them searched by Willard College Public Safety. She may have then used her ‘outside voice’ with them, but only by way of instilling in them a respect for the private property, not of the Cottons, but of Willard College.

We hope that the entire Willard Family is looking forward to the May Festival as much as we are.

Sincerely,

President Cotton and Provost Vandergrind