Dear All Key Campus Stakeholders,

What I am going to tell you must remain CONFIDENTIAL.

The Board of Trustees meeting, which concluded last night, paints a perilous financial picture for Willard College. Inflated administration salaries (I disputed this until I was blue in the face), the Joe Biden Inflation Economy, sagging student enrollment, skyrocketing discount rates, and various invaluable but costly training retreats for key leadership, mean that the creditors are literally banging at the door. On this last point, I mean this literally. Representatives of a bank that issued us a loan last year have been standing outside of President Cotton’s door for the past three days. He’s living on peanuts and bottled water.

So, effective immediately, everything that can be monetized should be monetized. Toilet paper in the bathrooms. Hot water for the showers. Stitches at the Student Health Center. Faculty parking rates are going to quadruple. All department office supplies will be secured and sold at auction.

Let’s be creative. What other services do we provide for free that could be monetized!

We need to move very fast or Willard College is going to sink faster than the Titanic.

Dr. Martha Squidds, Vice President of Finance, Marketing, and Parking