Details to be announced soon

Dear President Cotton, I just received a note from Johnny Willard, President of Swamp College, telling me that he is authorizing all available Public Safety Officers to proceed immediately to Willard College to quell the ongoing disturbances on our campus. President Willard mentioned that while “Dr. Cotton and I have had our differences over the years, we both agree on the importance of maintaining order on campus.” That message came late last night, however, and the officers have not yet appeared. We believe that they may be having difficulty finding Willard College so we’ve sent a unit out to locate their whereabouts.

OK, back to the issue at hand.

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Campus Community,

We are currently on lockdown following the Willard-Swamp football game. The problems began when the Swamp College team arrived 3 hours late to the game. Apparently, the bus drivers had difficulty finding Willard College! We were already monitoring on campus incidents in the pre-game hours fueled by a toxic blend of beer, boredom, and bedlam. Swamp College went on to beat Willard 133-3. With three minutes left, Willard students swarmed the field, tore up the newly installed astro-turf, and proceeded to create mayhem throughout campus. President Cotton’s parking space was torched but rioting students failed to reach his offices thanks to the diligence of campus Public Safety officers.

All classes are canceled today. Students are confined to dormitories. Please report any incidents immediately to the proper authorities! And have a great Monday.

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Willard College Sports Fans,

Willard College plays Swamp College on Saturday at the newly astroturfed and newly renamed Franklin Cotton Stadium. Last year the college renamed the stadium after Henry Cotton’s father, who was also a patron of the college and gave generously in in-kind gifts from his cinderblock manufacturing firm. As you may know, with our new coach Isaiah “Ike the Spike” Samuels, we anticipate an exciting season for football.

Go Loonies!

Provost Vandergrind

Willard College once again renews its commitment to being stewards of the land upon which our glorious college was built, while recognizing that we are on stolen land, and also acknowledging that we have much work to do in repairing the world which we have so selfishly destroyed, and also thinking deeply about how we might do better, and also remembering that the work we must do is not easy and will likely not happen in the current academic calendar year due to budget cutbacks, prior commitments, and so forth.

Provost Vandergrind in collaboration with President Henry Cotton

September 11 is an auspicious day to announce that Willard College is proud to announce the purchase of the apartment of America’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani! We are confident that this purchase, while a financial stretch will help to continue to raise the Willard College brand and profile in an ever more competitive college market. The apartment will be used as base of operations for Dr. President Henry Cotton’s impressive fundraising efforts!

Dear Campus,

It is a rare thing to find a faculty member with such devotion to our Willard College. Dr. Nigel Swarms hails from across the pond and came to us after completing most of a doctoral program in English Literature at High Point University. His dissertation proposal, “Buddhist Philosophy and Shakespeare’s Richard III” is considered one of the promising documents of its kind. Upon arrival to our campus, Dr. Swarms decided housing was too expensive and the commute wasted time better spent in scholarly pursuits. With a hot water heater, a mini-fridge, and a fold up cot, he has made his office into a cozy little home. Dr. Swarms has not left campus in over 14 years because he has no need to do so. When asked if he wouldn’t enjoy leaving campus he responded in his well-known manner of brevity: “I would prefer not to.” I neither would we!

Thank you Dr. Swarms!

Provost Vandergrind