Sex, Sandals, and Salad

Dear Faculty, Staff, and Administrators, 15-first-date-fashion-mistakes-men-make39184005-apr-13-2012-600x544

I would also like to take a moment to explain a new policy that fits roughly into our domestic partnership/marriage policy. As you know, following passage of Marriage Equality laws here, Willard now provides equal recognition and benefits to all married couples. Willard has also maintained the policy of a fire-wall between spouses both employed here. One spouse may not supervise another spouse. If the couple is in the same department, neither may serve as chair. For a host of reasons, a person may recuse him or herself from any work that involves the other half of the couple.
But in the past several years, intra-departmental extra-marital affairs have become so pervasive that we have needed to develop policies to cover these matters. Effective next week, Willard College is the first institution of higher learning that recognizes covert romantic relationships. The policy will have no bearing on insurance coverage, health insurance, or any other benefit normally accruing to employees. My administration, however, will allow covert couples to apply for additional travel money so that an individual may travel to a conference or other professional event with their partner. Because Willard College understands that extra-marital relationships can be very stressful, especially for those who are already married, Willard will provide coverage, including a wide menu of plausible excuses, for periods when you are with your additional loved one. Human Resources will set up an account that you can access online
Willard College is also placing a ban on male or female faculty wearing sandals, or any open-toed show, with socks, or any other form of hosiery. I was recently taking prospective students around campus when we encountered a group of philosophy and physics faculty having lunch. All of them were sporting this look. Needless to say, it was difficult to explain this to the prospective students.
Finally, faculty may no longer store food of any sort in their offices. This policy builds on last year’s ban on the use of cots or hammocks in the office, and is part of a college-wide effort to de-domesticate faculty offices. The food edict is also a a result of recent vermin infestations, which may have contributed to what was feared to have been a hantavirus outbreak.
Best regards, President Henry Cotton

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