Please be aware that we are facing a Clown Infestation. If you see a clown, don’t panic. Contact public safety as soon as possible. We are trying to figure out where the clowns are coming from, if someone has sent them to our campus, and if so, why. Remember, if you see a clown, do not approach it. Do not look directly at them. If they are covered in what appears to be blood, remember that most clowns are not always homicidal.
During a recent meeting, that was calm except when punctuated by screaming and crying, President Cotton laid out his vision for the next several months of our precious college. As Dr. Cotton observed, “We will not be doing another round of layoffs, unless we do. If we do, please disregard the first half of the first sentence. If we don’t, please disregard the second sentence but remember that the second half of the first sentence may still be relevant should the facts of the second sentence prove otherwise.” Several faculty fainted during the meeting. At the close of the event, Dr. DeGrosse and Dr. Petigrew began screaming at each other. Despite having issued restraining orders against each other, they somehow managed to both end up at the same meeting. The argument concerned a dirty bowl that had been left in the department’s sink last week. Both professors were detained by Campus Security.
Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety
Dear Willard Community, After a tumultuous year at the helm of the Office of Onboarding, Milton Bloor has “left the floor.” He has moved on. Bloor brought old fashioned values to the campus. He reinstituted flogging, gruel, dunce caps, staying after class to clean erasers, and other practices that perhaps merit serious consideration. No one who crossed paths with Bloor will forget his jolly sense of humor, the back slapping, and the offer to smoke a stogie with him. Good luck Mr. Bloor!
Dr. Lester Pedigrew has been detained after he assaulted Dr. Lionel DeGrosse with a computer keyboard. DeGrosse sustained laceration wounds. The conflict erupted after DeGrosse requested, and received permission, to switch classrooms with Pedigrew. Pedrigrew’s course, “Sanitation Works in American Literature” has failed to enroll more than one or two students over the past three decades. DeGrosse’s “Sex, Sex, and Sex in American Film” rarely has an empty seat.
Pedigrew’s other courses, including “Hungarian Poets in America, 1850-1890” and “Footnotes in French Literary Criticism: A Reevaluation” have rarely had enough students to run.
DeGrosse and Pedigrew’s feud dates back to 1999 when DeGrosse courted and then married Pedigrew’s then-wife, Sally Pedigrew. Pedigrew then remarried Nancy DeBeers, of the South African diamond family. DeGrosse then courted and married DeBeers, and then divorced Sally. DeGrosse was charged with bigamy but the state dropped the case. Pedigrew has attempted to burn down DeGrosse’s home, placed bombs in the undercarriage of his cars, paid waiters to put glass in his food, etc. DeBeers divorced DeGrosse in 2014 and sued him for any money or other valuables that may have accrued to him during their short and by all accounts unhappy marriage. DeGrosse has to date failed to remarry.
Until today’s assault, Pedigrew has evaded arrest.
As President Cotton reminded us, “I expect us all to get along. Fighting and feuding detract from the college’s core mission of fund-raising.”
Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety
Effective yesterday, parking regulations have changed. All faculty and staff are being asked to park at the remote parking facility. There will be shuttle buses to bring you from the facility to campus. Shuttles leave at 7am and 8am or 730am and 915am. Please ask the parking lot attendant when you arrive for the day’s schedule.
Parking fees and shuttle fares will be shifting upward. Cash only. We are unable to provide change. Fees reflect Willard College’s commitment to a sustainable planet.
We would like to provide, in as transparent a manner as is possible at this point, the relationship of enrollment projections to enrollment results. Lots of factors go into enrollment management, including the Willard College Catchment Area, our carrying capacity, the number and quality of purchased high school senior contact information, our discount rate, the discount rate on the discount rate, the tuition of competitor institutions, stock market performance, the performance of the Willard College endowment, the national ranking of Willard College, news stories that may be either positive or negative concerning Willard College, the functionality of our models, the viability of our projections, and externalities that lie beyond our control.
Within these factors, other factors are also at stake. But we have been hear before, and we think that if we all pull together, as a team, we can turn the corner on what at present, and we say this aware of the abovesaidmentioneds, things will improve. Soon. Very. Very soon.
In the meantime, we ask for patience as salaries are modified to adjust to a new, and I think I’m confident in saying, temporary, downward trajectory.
Dear Community, Professor Felix Drubb, Studio Art, has completed his 8 year project, “Stairs.” His artist statement reads as follows: “‘Stairs’ is about verticality. It is about the way we move through and of space. It is platforms that are flat but rise. It is about how we are constrained and how we are liberated. It is a commentary, as well, on domesticity, and how domesticity confers with gender and class. And race! I was surprised by the project when I first conceived it. I had not thought of stairs. I never used stairs. Stairs.”
“Stairs” is currently on display at Professor Felix Drubb’s private residence. Please contact him directly to arrange a viewing time. Professor Drubb’s wife, who inspired the work eight years ago, asks that she not be contacted regarding the installation. In a separate statement, she wrote “And no, you cannot use the bathroom.”
Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying
We recently discovered that Donald Cake, General Counsel of Willard College, received his law degree from the Sylvester County Recycle and Reuse Center. That is to say, to put a finer point on the question, he found a framed law degree on the shelves, purchased said degree, and thereafter presented himself as a bar-certified attorney. We had found some of his legal counsel over the years rather unorthodox. He assured us, for example, that using college endowment money to fund administrator vacations, was within the law. His consultations with human resources also proved costly to the college.
We know that the board of trustees will understand that mistakes were made in hiring Donald Cake.
Gary Chorizo has generously offered to return to campus and will serve as General Counsel-interim.
Around 11am yesterday, Dining Services fielded a call from a distraught student whose food order from one of our 95 campus vending machines had failed to complete. We immediately filled out the necessary paper work and quickly dispatched an Emergency Response Unit to assess the situation. As you can see from the attached photograph, a bag of chips had become trapped during the vending process. When the ERU arrived on the scene, we addressed the afflicted student, and then put in a call to the vendor. Meanwhile, we secured the perimeter to prevent other individuals from utilizing the vending machine. The vendor arrived at 12:13pm and managed to free the bag of potato chips after a brief intervention. The vending machine was then carefully assessed for technical problems. The technician determined that the machine was fully operational and vacated the premises at 1:35pm.
Dining Services would like to thank the ERU team, Provost Lying, Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying, President Cotton, and the Board of Trustees.
Last year President Cotton and Provost Lying convened “The Working Group to Study the Feasibility of a ‘Committee Against Gossip and Slander'” on our campus. That working group was created after a previous working group, “Working Group on the Problem of Gossip and Slander” determined that gossip and slander merited a working group.
Anyway, the “Committee Against Gossip and Slander” is now seeking expressions of interest from faculty, staff, and also enthusiastic students. Basic requirements to serve include a willingness to commit to ten to fifteen hours a week, expertise or interest in learning about systems of surveillance, and above all, enthusiasm to fight against what we at Willard College believe are the two greatest dangers to our institution, Gossip. And Slander. Faculty who join will have their teaching load reduced immediately.
Please direct all inquiries to me. Successful applicants should provide three character witnesses.
Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying
Willard College 