Dearest Loving Willard Community,

Starting today you will be seeing Provost Vandergrind on campus using a gold cart. We at the highest levels of senior leadership believe that the Provost needs to be able to move around campus in as efficient a manner as possible. So don’t be surprised to see him going between classes and even into buildings in his golf cart. Please wave him down if you want to chat, hear about the latest exciting innovations at Willard College that promises to bring us forward towards the 2023-2024 Strategic Plan of “Care Loudly.” Provost Vandergrind is never too busy to spare a few minutes in his busy schedule to hear your ideas!

Sincerely, Associate Provost and Legal Counsel for Willard College, Jimmy Crackers

We faithfully reproduce Provost Vandergrind’s empathetic message to our students about EMPATHY:

Dear Willard College Scholars and Learnerers, There is no quality in a person greater, more magnificent, more wonderful, than EMPATHY. The word derives from the Greek to feel and absorb other’s pain. I want you to feel my pain today as I share how I showed our beloved President Henry Cotton EMPATHY as he was processing HIS pain about Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton’s recent arrest and indictment on racketeering and money laundering charges. Because I found my own empathy, I was able to patiently listen as President Cotton screamed at me for three hours about the abovementioned crisis and also the state of the college’s reputation, finances, and a series of possible indictments that members of the upper administration will likely face, along with several lawsuits by former faculty.

So my message to you Willard College scholars is DIG DEEP. BREATHE. Hold our beloved President and his dear wife in your hearts.

Have a great semester!

Dear Board of Trustees,

I figured you all should hear it from me, Pastel Lumbar, Athletic Director, and not from the media. Willard College’s Equestrian Team has been permanently banned from competition. Hey, it is bullshit but let me tell you what the state is telling me and Jimmy Crackers. Basic rundown: some problems with medication of the horses, possible action on school based competition, some allegations of having the team race horses on weekends, and some questions about conditions in the stables. The whole thing is a bad beat. Anyway, even money Crackers can get us of the fix we are in.

OK, give a call because I’d rather not have anything else down on paper. Can’t figure out this email thing.

Pastel Lumbar, Athletic Director

Dear College,

As with great excitement it is for me to announce changes at the Willard College School of Music. As part of the School’s Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion initiative, we are adding a new program in Didgeridoo. Three new faculty have been hired. Naturally, at a time of scarce resources, we will sunset some of the more expensive and lately less appealing majors. Piano, cello, violin, viola, and bassoon as well as all instruments normally found in an orchestra, will no longer be offered at Willard College.

I’d like to also thank Dr. Henry Cotton and Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton whose recent work-related trip to Australia inspired this really inspirational change in the direction of the School of Music. Their tireless advocacy and several purchases at the Sydney International Airport gift shop made this possible.

With sincerements,

Dr. Diago Ordures

Dear Community of Willard,

The College is please to announce that Jimmy Crackers is being brought on as chief legal counsel for the case of Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton and will also join me in the Office of the Provost as Associate Provost. Mr. Crackers needs no introductions. He has served as legal defense in countless cases similar to the one that currently had embroiled (UNFAIRLY) Dr. Cotton. He’s an expert in issues like witness intimidation, evidence tampering, and conspiracy to withhold evidence. He is very familiar with legal matters such as flight risk, embezzlement, and unmarked and untraceable currency (both US dollars and Swiss marks). All of those skills he will also bring to the Office of the Provost, which as you may have heard, is undergoing a period of internal review of our procedures, mission, and outcomes.

Mr. Crackers will begin onboarding tomorrow.

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Senior Leadershippers, Late last night a call came in from Miami. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton has been detained at Miami International Airport. She was carrying $340,000 dollars in unmarked bills and had a one way ticket to Tegucigalpa. It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, that the college needs to lawyer up. Clearly this is not a personal matter but one that effects the brand Willard College.

Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton has had legal problems in the past as anyone would with such a high profile.

We all really need to pull together on this one. There is no “I” in Willard College.

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Community Members,

This is a friendly, but stern, reminder that WILLARD COLLEGE IS NOT A DOG PARK. We understand that in the past few years, the campus has the appearance of having been abandoned. But we assure you that the campus remains vital, active, and campusy. As such, please remember to pick up after your dog. Campus police have been authorized to detain with force any such person and their canine who may deposit items as pictured above on the campus.

Thanks, Michel “Hank” Chienenrage, Director of Facilities

Dear Campus of Willard College,

As many of you know, my name is Dr. Meldrim Nackie Loeb and I serve YOU as Vice President of Finances at Willard College. I take my job seriously. I’m not one for mickeymousing or knickknacking about! I also don’t like wasting time. Several many all of you have written asking when contracts will be issued for AY 23-24. Great question and I’m here to give a straight answer. First we have to look at the spread sheets. We assess income and expenses. We look at the red and the black. Then we need to bore down a bit more and determine which expenses are necessary, which expenses add value to the consumer (student) experience! Second we consider externalities and intangibles. Third we then return to the first point and reexamine the spread sheets in the spirit of the second point. We now move on to the fourth point, the global economy and its impacts on points one, two, and three.

At this point, I think I’ve shared more than enough for you to process. I look forward to picking up where we left off next week.

Sincerely, Vice President Meldrim Nackie Loeb

Dear Beloved Community,

Objects, of undetermined origin and nature, have been located in the Willard College Swimming Pool which has been closed for the foreseeable future. If anyone saw anyone, or anything, that might be considered suspect at the pool yesterday, please contact head lifeguard Byron “Sammy” McDanielsberg.

We know this is disappointing the numerous kids attending summer camps at Willard College! Sorry.

Meanwhile, have a great summer.

Dr. Colney Hatch, Vice President of Marketing and Development

Dear Board of Trustees,

Willard lost everyone’s emails. All of them. Every single last one. No one has anything, including addresses so people have to manually look up emails in the paper directory. Because the department websites all crashed. Sadly, this also impacted payroll so no one is getting paid until August. Except administrators who felicitously are on a different payroll system that works out of bank in Suriname.

Cut backs during the last few years have weakened the College’s IT department. Fortunately, as you may know, our Department of Computers is assisting in getting everyone back on line. The chair of the Department, Melissa Gristle, is working on it!

Sincerely,

Provost Vandergrind