Willard College once again renews its commitment to being stewards of the land upon which our glorious college was built, while recognizing that we are on stolen land, and also acknowledging that we have much work to do in repairing the world which we have so selfishly destroyed, and also thinking deeply about how we might do better, and also remembering that the work we must do is not easy and will likely not happen in the current academic calendar year due to budget cutbacks, prior commitments, and so forth.

Provost Vandergrind in collaboration with President Henry Cotton

September 11 is an auspicious day to announce that Willard College is proud to announce the purchase of the apartment of America’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani! We are confident that this purchase, while a financial stretch will help to continue to raise the Willard College brand and profile in an ever more competitive college market. The apartment will be used as base of operations for Dr. President Henry Cotton’s impressive fundraising efforts!

Dear Campus,

It is a rare thing to find a faculty member with such devotion to our Willard College. Dr. Nigel Swarms hails from across the pond and came to us after completing most of a doctoral program in English Literature at High Point University. His dissertation proposal, “Buddhist Philosophy and Shakespeare’s Richard III” is considered one of the promising documents of its kind. Upon arrival to our campus, Dr. Swarms decided housing was too expensive and the commute wasted time better spent in scholarly pursuits. With a hot water heater, a mini-fridge, and a fold up cot, he has made his office into a cozy little home. Dr. Swarms has not left campus in over 14 years because he has no need to do so. When asked if he wouldn’t enjoy leaving campus he responded in his well-known manner of brevity: “I would prefer not to.” I neither would we!

Thank you Dr. Swarms!

Provost Vandergrind

Dearest Loving Willard Community,

Starting today you will be seeing Provost Vandergrind on campus using a gold cart. We at the highest levels of senior leadership believe that the Provost needs to be able to move around campus in as efficient a manner as possible. So don’t be surprised to see him going between classes and even into buildings in his golf cart. Please wave him down if you want to chat, hear about the latest exciting innovations at Willard College that promises to bring us forward towards the 2023-2024 Strategic Plan of “Care Loudly.” Provost Vandergrind is never too busy to spare a few minutes in his busy schedule to hear your ideas!

Sincerely, Associate Provost and Legal Counsel for Willard College, Jimmy Crackers

We faithfully reproduce Provost Vandergrind’s empathetic message to our students about EMPATHY:

Dear Willard College Scholars and Learnerers, There is no quality in a person greater, more magnificent, more wonderful, than EMPATHY. The word derives from the Greek to feel and absorb other’s pain. I want you to feel my pain today as I share how I showed our beloved President Henry Cotton EMPATHY as he was processing HIS pain about Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton’s recent arrest and indictment on racketeering and money laundering charges. Because I found my own empathy, I was able to patiently listen as President Cotton screamed at me for three hours about the abovementioned crisis and also the state of the college’s reputation, finances, and a series of possible indictments that members of the upper administration will likely face, along with several lawsuits by former faculty.

So my message to you Willard College scholars is DIG DEEP. BREATHE. Hold our beloved President and his dear wife in your hearts.

Have a great semester!

Dear Board of Trustees,

I figured you all should hear it from me, Pastel Lumbar, Athletic Director, and not from the media. Willard College’s Equestrian Team has been permanently banned from competition. Hey, it is bullshit but let me tell you what the state is telling me and Jimmy Crackers. Basic rundown: some problems with medication of the horses, possible action on school based competition, some allegations of having the team race horses on weekends, and some questions about conditions in the stables. The whole thing is a bad beat. Anyway, even money Crackers can get us of the fix we are in.

OK, give a call because I’d rather not have anything else down on paper. Can’t figure out this email thing.

Pastel Lumbar, Athletic Director

Dear College,

As with great excitement it is for me to announce changes at the Willard College School of Music. As part of the School’s Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion initiative, we are adding a new program in Didgeridoo. Three new faculty have been hired. Naturally, at a time of scarce resources, we will sunset some of the more expensive and lately less appealing majors. Piano, cello, violin, viola, and bassoon as well as all instruments normally found in an orchestra, will no longer be offered at Willard College.

I’d like to also thank Dr. Henry Cotton and Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton whose recent work-related trip to Australia inspired this really inspirational change in the direction of the School of Music. Their tireless advocacy and several purchases at the Sydney International Airport gift shop made this possible.

With sincerements,

Dr. Diago Ordures

Dear Community of Willard,

The College is please to announce that Jimmy Crackers is being brought on as chief legal counsel for the case of Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton and will also join me in the Office of the Provost as Associate Provost. Mr. Crackers needs no introductions. He has served as legal defense in countless cases similar to the one that currently had embroiled (UNFAIRLY) Dr. Cotton. He’s an expert in issues like witness intimidation, evidence tampering, and conspiracy to withhold evidence. He is very familiar with legal matters such as flight risk, embezzlement, and unmarked and untraceable currency (both US dollars and Swiss marks). All of those skills he will also bring to the Office of the Provost, which as you may have heard, is undergoing a period of internal review of our procedures, mission, and outcomes.

Mr. Crackers will begin onboarding tomorrow.

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Senior Leadershippers, Late last night a call came in from Miami. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton has been detained at Miami International Airport. She was carrying $340,000 dollars in unmarked bills and had a one way ticket to Tegucigalpa. It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, that the college needs to lawyer up. Clearly this is not a personal matter but one that effects the brand Willard College.

Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton has had legal problems in the past as anyone would with such a high profile.

We all really need to pull together on this one. There is no “I” in Willard College.

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Community Members,

This is a friendly, but stern, reminder that WILLARD COLLEGE IS NOT A DOG PARK. We understand that in the past few years, the campus has the appearance of having been abandoned. But we assure you that the campus remains vital, active, and campusy. As such, please remember to pick up after your dog. Campus police have been authorized to detain with force any such person and their canine who may deposit items as pictured above on the campus.

Thanks, Michel “Hank” Chienenrage, Director of Facilities