We received wonderful news from Dr. Jimmy Clyde, Chair of the Department of Geographology. Over the weekend, while hiking in New Hampshire, Dr. Clyde and his wife, Bonnie, discovered a mountain. He immediately erected a post and affixed a sign to said post and named the protuberance Mt. Willard after his much loved academic home.
While we thank Dr. Clyde for his generous spirit and loyalty, sadly we must also share that Dr. Clyde’s time at Willard has drawn to a close. As our new provost, Dr. Jason “Jack” Lying has reminded us, sunsetting programs is necessary to the larger mission of Willard College.
Dr. Clyde is a pioneer in the field of geographology. One might say that he invented the field.
At 11:30pm last night President Cotton informed now former provost Vandergrind that he is being removed from his position and responsibilities as Willard College Provost. This decision came after consulting with the Board of Trustees. Former Provost Vandergrind leaves under a cloud of allegations, including usurpation of the president’s authority, insubordination, and undermining the office of the Presidency by the aforementioned violations. Like Provost Pillow, Vandergrind is under investigation for misappropriation of College resources, including having college staff clean his home and pick up his dry cleaning. Such amenities are reserved, as per the College bylaws, for the president.
We are thrilled, however, to welcome Provost Jason “Jack” Lying. Dr. Lying comes to Willard College from Swamp College where he served in a number of academic and administrative positions. Originally hired to teach U.S. History, he was repurposed to teach Biology and then Engineering and then Nutrition and then Real Estate Law and then French (before that program was resigned) after a series of rightsizing incidents led to teaching reassignments. He then went on to administrative positions, as Dean of Dining, Dean of Attendance, Associate Dean of Enrollment, and then Vice President of Enrollment Management. He helped design and launch Swamp College’s B.S. in Life Coaching. He has published widely on cheating, tax fraud, anterior cruciate ligament reconstruction, alternative healing, optimism, parking on college campuses, and leadership. After Swamp College’s penultimate experiment in right sizing he became available to Willard College. We are most fortunate to welcome Provost Lying into our ranks.
If you should see Dr. Lying on campus, please introduce yourself!
Dear President Cotton, I just received a note from Johnny Willard, President of Swamp College, telling me that he is authorizing all available Public Safety Officers to proceed immediately to Willard College to quell the ongoing disturbances on our campus. President Willard mentioned that while “Dr. Cotton and I have had our differences over the years, we both agree on the importance of maintaining order on campus.” That message came late last night, however, and the officers have not yet appeared. We believe that they may be having difficulty finding Willard College so we’ve sent a unit out to locate their whereabouts.
We are currently on lockdown following the Willard-Swamp football game. The problems began when the Swamp College team arrived 3 hours late to the game. Apparently, the bus drivers had difficulty finding Willard College! We were already monitoring on campus incidents in the pre-game hours fueled by a toxic blend of beer, boredom, and bedlam. Swamp College went on to beat Willard 133-3. With three minutes left, Willard students swarmed the field, tore up the newly installed astro-turf, and proceeded to create mayhem throughout campus. President Cotton’s parking space was torched but rioting students failed to reach his offices thanks to the diligence of campus Public Safety officers.
All classes are canceled today. Students are confined to dormitories. Please report any incidents immediately to the proper authorities! And have a great Monday.
Willard College plays Swamp College on Saturday at the newly astroturfed and newly renamed Franklin Cotton Stadium. Last year the college renamed the stadium after Henry Cotton’s father, who was also a patron of the college and gave generously in in-kind gifts from his cinderblock manufacturing firm. As you may know, with our new coach Isaiah “Ike the Spike” Samuels, we anticipate an exciting season for football.
Willard College once again renews its commitment to being stewards of the land upon which our glorious college was built, while recognizing that we are on stolen land, and also acknowledging that we have much work to do in repairing the world which we have so selfishly destroyed, and also thinking deeply about how we might do better, and also remembering that the work we must do is not easy and will likely not happen in the current academic calendar year due to budget cutbacks, prior commitments, and so forth.
Provost Vandergrind in collaboration with President Henry Cotton
September 11 is an auspicious day to announce that Willard College is proud to announce the purchase of the apartment of America’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani! We are confident that this purchase, while a financial stretch will help to continue to raise the Willard College brand and profile in an ever more competitive college market. The apartment will be used as base of operations for Dr. President Henry Cotton’s impressive fundraising efforts!
It is a rare thing to find a faculty member with such devotion to our Willard College. Dr. Nigel Swarms hails from across the pond and came to us after completing most of a doctoral program in English Literature at High Point University. His dissertation proposal, “Buddhist Philosophy and Shakespeare’s Richard III” is considered one of the promising documents of its kind. Upon arrival to our campus, Dr. Swarms decided housing was too expensive and the commute wasted time better spent in scholarly pursuits. With a hot water heater, a mini-fridge, and a fold up cot, he has made his office into a cozy little home. Dr. Swarms has not left campus in over 14 years because he has no need to do so. When asked if he wouldn’t enjoy leaving campus he responded in his well-known manner of brevity: “I would prefer not to.” I neither would we!
Willard College 