The Commencement Planning Committee has shared with the Board of Trustees a list of recommendations to help us avoid the problems from last year’s commencement. You’ll recall that at last year’s commencement, which lasted 13 hour and 43 minutes, 3 people died from heart attacks, two babies were born, 89 people were hospitalized for drug overdoses, alcohol poisoning, dehydration, and food poisoning, and 4 guests walked away from the event and were never seen again. We recommend:

1. Commencement should not last more than five hours.
2. All Commencement speeches should be in English.
3. Bathrooms on campus should remain open and accessible.
4. Campus Riot Police and SWAT team should be on stand-by but should not actively patrol during Commencement.
5. All speakers should be required to be sober.

Thank you,

Commencement Planning Committee

We are thrilled to announce that Willard College’s Department of Physics has received a $500,000.00 grant to study the Flat Earth Thesis. Until recently, most scientists blindly accepted the hypothesis that the earth was a sphere, or as some call it, “round.” 99.99% certainty by scientists leaves a lot of room for doubt and critical inquiry.

Effective immediately, the Parking Policy Sub-Committee of the All-College Academic Affairs Committee has been dissolved, its members censured, and their parking passes, or in the case of the “Fee Parkers” not, have been revoked. During last Thursday’s Noon hour meeting, a melee broke out between the “Free Parkers” and the “Fee Parkers” as to whether or not parking on campus should be free or not. Several of the participants are still either hospitalized or in police custody. We will update the campus community as appropriate information becomes available.

The Willard College Republicans, the Willard College Young Americans for Freedom, and the Willard College chapter of Stormfront are pleased to announce a visit by Larry Pratt, Executive Director of Gun Owners of America.

The Willard College Bullfight Club, the oldest campus organization , was founded by our late Associate Provost for Athletic Affairs, whose love for the sport was only surpassed by his devotion to staging elaborate war games with the men’s sports teams each spring. Both bullfighting and his war games are remembered fondly by those surviving students. Sadly, the Bullfighting Club has received negative fake media attention in the last week after a bull escaped. Until further notice, the Bullfight Club has been suspended

President-temporary Dr. Gauleiter

We were lucky to have Sean Spicer at Willard College for a few hours. And we wish him well at his new academic home, HARVARD UNIVERSITY. Needless to say, we aren’t surprised to find Willard College and Harvard College showing up in the same news story. Clearly, these are two academic institutions that value integrity, honesty, and intellectual rigor. Good luck Harvard! Good luck Dr. Spicer!

Sincerely, Interim-Temporary President Dr. Gauleiter

Dear Colleagues, Can we be better? Yes. How much better? Quite a bit. Are we willing to expend the time, energy, and money to make those positive changes happen? It depends. What are we talking about? Will the changes change anything? Or will the changes just be more of the same? My name is Henry Cotton and I am the acting deposed president of Willard College and I’ve hacked the Willard College website to share these thoughts with you. I don’t have much time because the Public Safety may have already noticed this breach to the security of the server. If I did anything during my tenure as your president, it was asking tough questions? I’m not afraid to ask the questions. But was I ready to hear the answers? May be. Who says I wasn’t? Someone is coming. I gotta go. HC