Dear Provost Lying,

I’m concerned that the redecoration of President Cotton’s office has gone way over budget. Normally, I could just move money around to cover the deficit but we are in new territory here. As I review the books, the only way to adjust is to cut faculty and staff budgets immediately. Cotton is driving the college deep into the red. Lenders are banging on the door. It has all been fun and games, champagne for breakfast, senior leadership retreats in the Bahamas, etc. but I think we have finally hit the wall.

Please keep this communication PRIVATE.

Secretly, VP of Finances, Meldrim Nackie Loeb

Dear Campus Leaders,

I want to reiterate the approach we will be taking to shift external messaging concerning Willard College. Keep at the forefront of your thinking and work the following: “Telling the Willard College story better doesn’t mean changing anything.” Willard College has faced lawsuits, massive fires, declining enrollment, plummeting endowment, accusations of malfeasance, deaccreditation, and high levels of administrative turnover combined with inflated pay for those same individuals. So how do we move forward? We move forward by CHANGING THE MESSAGING. For too long the College has communicated in a manner that suggests panic, anxiety, and despair. So tell the Willard College as one of continued success, joy, and winning. Here are some examples of slogans that you will start seeing both on campus and in mailers to prospective students. “Willard College is Joy.” “Willard College is Winning. Again.”

Again, a reminder. We are winning. We just need to remind the world. That we are winning!

Director of Communications, Willie Pringles

Thanks to a generous donation, the Willard College Faculty Lounge now has coffee service. Please use the coffee machine responsibly and remember that the valves and tubing require frequent cleaning. Willard College will provide coffee products

Dear Willard Faculty,

Please consult the above flow chart for review of new and existing courses. As you can see, we’ve streamlined the process to better insure that our students continue to receive the high quality educational experiences that they’ve paid so dearly to enjoy. We are also pre-aligning with federal guidelines.

Sincerely, Provost Lying and Dean Stefan Wolkke, Curricular Affairs

Dear Community,

As part of our continued effort to trim costs while continuing to deliver a high caliber education, effectively immediately the Department of Dance is being outsourced to licensed professional dance instructors in Sylvester County. If you have questions concerning earning valuable college credits, please contact Dr. Jordache Cakebar or someone on his staff which at present is only Dr. Cakebar.

With love,

Provost Lying