Dear Senior Leadership Team,

Last night’s production of Theater director Lowell Balsaque’s “Titanic: The Last Chapter” was an unmitigated disaster. We anticipate a class action lawsuit by those in attendance and the actors and penalties from the Sylvester County Code Inspectors. We may also lose our accreditation.

Briefly, Professor Balsaque envisioned an ‘experiential’ Titanic performance in which the audience would ‘feel the ship sinking into the icy Arctic waters.’ To that end, high pressure fire hoses were set up, connected to the College’s hydrant system. (You may have walked past the theater and wondered about the hoses). Based on a careful study of the Titanic’s last hours as a floating vessel, Balsaque also arranged for fires to be set.

After the iceberg collision in the performance, large fires were set on stage. At first the audience thought these were fake fires. When they came to realize that the fires were real, and the auditorium was starting to fill with smoke, panic set in. Balsaque had anticipated this and had all of the doors locked from the outside. He wanted those in attendance to ‘feel the panic that the real passengers felt.’ Then came the fire hoses which were directed at both actors and the audience to reproduce the experience of being on a sinking ship. Fortunately, the hoses also extinguished the fire but then the auditorium filled with smoke and steam.

Eventually, fire fighters from surrounding counties broke into the theater and treated audience members for smoke inhalation, panic attacks, several sprained ankles, and three cardiac incidents. Balsaque was questioned by law enforcement and then taken into custody on arson charges.

We really need to lawyer up on this one. This is bad. Unimaginably bad.

President of Willard College Dr. Henry Cotton & Provost Lying