Month: November 2024

November 29, 2024

Willard College Prepares for the Shipwreck: “There are only so many Lifeboats”

Dear Senior Leadership and Board of Trustees,

As we ponder the multiple threats now emerging to continued survival of Willard College, those being 1)the demographic cliff, 2) the possible elimination of the Department of Education and with it all those sweet supports to higher ed, 3) the skyrocketing cost of room, board, and tuition and 4) the cratering of our endowment, it is incumbent upon any responsible leadership team, to develop a worst case scenario plan. What follows is such a plan. This is to remain confidential. Please share with no one.

“There are only so many lifeboats: A Plan for Staff and Faculty Reduction to Align Declining Budget with Continued College Operations”

What follows is a synopsis and key points. This is the order in which employment terminations will take place.

  1. Faculty in Humanities and Arts (those who are left) will be asked to quickly and quietly vacate their offices, dropping of their keys and laptops, with security at the West Entrance
  2. All Student Services Staff, including Dining Hall employees will remove themselves at the earliest moment possible, and do so in a manner as unobtrusive as humanly possible.
  3. Maintenance staff, except those responsible for maintaining the power grid, should not report to work upon receiving their notice of termination and thanks for their service to the college
  4. Bursar and other financial staff will self-remove as their names are called. At President Cotton’s discretion, those staff with special expertise in bookkeeping practices unique to our institution, will be kindly asked to carry on under the direct and discrete direction of said President Cotton
  5. The service of provosts, associate provosts, deans, associate deans, assistant deans, and their staff will no longer be necessary.
  6. Director of Public Safety will turn out the lights on his way out.
  7. Athletic staff will hold a last practice.
  8. President Cotton shall remain in his office, in the dark, waiting for bank officials and law enforcement to remove him, by force.

This list is not comprehensive. President Cotton reserves the right, with the coordination of the Board of Trustees, to remove people from the above this, or to add people to the list.

Dr. President Henry Cotton

November 22, 2024

President Henry Cotton on Gratitude, and Humility

Dear Willard Communities,

As Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton and I look back on the semester, with the Thanksgiving holiday around the corner, we are filled with gratitude and humility for everything we have achieved. Let’s review some of my accomplishments. In September, I was the Keynote Speaker at the Regional Conference of College Presidents of Colleges. The RCCPC’s membership is restricted to presidents of colleges. I shared my big picture, data-informed, but not data-driven, path to success. In October, we attended a number of gala events, some of which featured me as a keynote speaker. I’m sharing the Willard story far and wide. Late October, I went on a fact-finding mission to visit college campuses in Florida and the Bahamas.

Willard College has a bright future. With a renewed commitment to a strong, plentiful, and nimble administrative apparatus we can literally go no where but up!

Thankfully, Dr. President Henry Cotton

November 21, 2024

Dr. Larry Shames is Looking for the Twelfth Cookie

Dr. Larry Shames recently opened a box of cookies only to discover that it contained not 10 cookies and not 12 cookies, but 11 cookies. Troubled by this odd situation, Dr. Shames is searching for the missing cookie. If you have seen this cookie, please contact public safety. If you find this news disturbing, the Counseling Center has extra staff on duty.

Thanks, Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying, Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety

November 18, 2024

Larry Shames, Professor of Biology, is on a Mission

Dear Campus Community, Late last week, Dr. Larry Shames, Biology, found a half-used deodorant and is trying to locate its owner. The attached photograph shows the deodorant and the location where Dr. Shames discovered it. In the interest of reuniting the deodorant with its owner, Dr. Shames has canceled classes and office hours, and has making a point to visit every single faculty, staff, and student. While we applaud Dr. Shames’ tireless, relentless perhaps, efforts, we feel that our social media might be of service so that Dr. Shames can return to his regular duties.

When not chasing down the owner of deodorant, Dr. Shames works in the field of cryptozoology. During his storied career at Willard College, Dr. Shames has (self) published papers that prove the existence of the Loch Ness Monster and other hitherto poorly understood fauna.

Thanks,

Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying, Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety

November 5, 2024

Willard College Faces a Clown Infestation

Dear Campus Community,

Please be aware that we are facing a Clown Infestation. If you see a clown, don’t panic. Contact public safety as soon as possible. We are trying to figure out where the clowns are coming from, if someone has sent them to our campus, and if so, why. Remember, if you see a clown, do not approach it. Do not look directly at them. If they are covered in what appears to be blood, remember that most clowns are not always homicidal.

If you have more general questions, please contact the Clown Studies Department.

Thanks, Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety