Dear Campus Community,

We are currently on lockdown following the Willard-Swamp football game. The problems began when the Swamp College team arrived 3 hours late to the game. Apparently, the bus drivers had difficulty finding Willard College! We were already monitoring on campus incidents in the pre-game hours fueled by a toxic blend of beer, boredom, and bedlam. Swamp College went on to beat Willard 133-3. With three minutes left, Willard students swarmed the field, tore up the newly installed astro-turf, and proceeded to create mayhem throughout campus. President Cotton’s parking space was torched but rioting students failed to reach his offices thanks to the diligence of campus Public Safety officers.

All classes are canceled today. Students are confined to dormitories. Please report any incidents immediately to the proper authorities! And have a great Monday.

Provost Vandergrind