Dear Community of Willard,

The College is please to announce that Jimmy Crackers is being brought on as chief legal counsel for the case of Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton and will also join me in the Office of the Provost as Associate Provost. Mr. Crackers needs no introductions. He has served as legal defense in countless cases similar to the one that currently had embroiled (UNFAIRLY) Dr. Cotton. He’s an expert in issues like witness intimidation, evidence tampering, and conspiracy to withhold evidence. He is very familiar with legal matters such as flight risk, embezzlement, and unmarked and untraceable currency (both US dollars and Swiss marks). All of those skills he will also bring to the Office of the Provost, which as you may have heard, is undergoing a period of internal review of our procedures, mission, and outcomes.

Mr. Crackers will begin onboarding tomorrow.

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Senior Leadershippers, Late last night a call came in from Miami. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton has been detained at Miami International Airport. She was carrying $340,000 dollars in unmarked bills and had a one way ticket to Tegucigalpa. It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, that the college needs to lawyer up. Clearly this is not a personal matter but one that effects the brand Willard College.

Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton has had legal problems in the past as anyone would with such a high profile.

We all really need to pull together on this one. There is no “I” in Willard College.

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Community Members,

This is a friendly, but stern, reminder that WILLARD COLLEGE IS NOT A DOG PARK. We understand that in the past few years, the campus has the appearance of having been abandoned. But we assure you that the campus remains vital, active, and campusy. As such, please remember to pick up after your dog. Campus police have been authorized to detain with force any such person and their canine who may deposit items as pictured above on the campus.

Thanks, Michel “Hank” Chienenrage, Director of Facilities

Dear Campus of Willard College,

As many of you know, my name is Dr. Meldrim Nackie Loeb and I serve YOU as Vice President of Finances at Willard College. I take my job seriously. I’m not one for mickeymousing or knickknacking about! I also don’t like wasting time. Several many all of you have written asking when contracts will be issued for AY 23-24. Great question and I’m here to give a straight answer. First we have to look at the spread sheets. We assess income and expenses. We look at the red and the black. Then we need to bore down a bit more and determine which expenses are necessary, which expenses add value to the consumer (student) experience! Second we consider externalities and intangibles. Third we then return to the first point and reexamine the spread sheets in the spirit of the second point. We now move on to the fourth point, the global economy and its impacts on points one, two, and three.

At this point, I think I’ve shared more than enough for you to process. I look forward to picking up where we left off next week.

Sincerely, Vice President Meldrim Nackie Loeb

Dear Beloved Community,

Objects, of undetermined origin and nature, have been located in the Willard College Swimming Pool which has been closed for the foreseeable future. If anyone saw anyone, or anything, that might be considered suspect at the pool yesterday, please contact head lifeguard Byron “Sammy” McDanielsberg.

We know this is disappointing the numerous kids attending summer camps at Willard College! Sorry.

Meanwhile, have a great summer.

Dr. Colney Hatch, Vice President of Marketing and Development

Dear Board of Trustees,

Willard lost everyone’s emails. All of them. Every single last one. No one has anything, including addresses so people have to manually look up emails in the paper directory. Because the department websites all crashed. Sadly, this also impacted payroll so no one is getting paid until August. Except administrators who felicitously are on a different payroll system that works out of bank in Suriname.

Cut backs during the last few years have weakened the College’s IT department. Fortunately, as you may know, our Department of Computers is assisting in getting everyone back on line. The chair of the Department, Melissa Gristle, is working on it!

Sincerely,

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Willard College Communities, If you have been unable to reach the Department of Compuers either by phone or email, you are not alone! It looks as if the server platform is not aligning well with the pairing that was done last week by the consultants who came into to perform said work. It is a pretty technical problem that involves wiring issues, out of date software and failure to renewal licenses, bugs in the hardware, etc. My personal motto: “I like failure because it is so easy to achieve!”

Professor Melissa Thistle, Chair of the Department of Compuers

Dear Willard College Learning Community Members,

After a brief Hiatus, the Department of Computers is back online! Please join us for an information session where you can learn about the cutting edge courses and seminars available to students. Many of our courses are available to be taken remotely. Live the dream. Technology is our future. Be the future. Dream the Future!

Dr. Melissa Gristle, Professor and Chair of the Department of Computers

Willard College does not forget its great teachers. Too often they are forgotten. And so we are celebrating one of the great ones. Maples Schimmerling. Willard College Professor. Extraordinaire. Thanks Maples!

Provost Vandergrind