Dear Enrollment Management Staff,

We continue to be in crisis mode. First, Francisco Marshall Zanz is threatening to jump ship to Swamp College (or Pinecone College). And now Jimmy Salad is asking too many questions. He is interested in playing baseball. He appears to have done no research on Willard and doesn’t know about that issue with the NCAA last year. He also reminded us about the NCAA rule about athletes’ rights to their images, compensation, etc. Again, he doesn’t seem to know that we aren’t ‘cooperating’ with the NCAA. He also asked if there were any beaches nearby. No one has swum in Lake Willard since the oil spill a decade ago. But again, he doesn’t seem to have researched that. We aren’t clear about his geographic literacy. Jimmy’s admission’s essay was interesting.

In short, he is the perfect candidate for Willard College. He asked about scholarships. I think we can put off a clear answer, perhaps mention some vague figures, promise something pending his commitment and payment of the down payment.

Any other bright ideas out there?

Phoenicia Apple, Vice President of Enrollment Management and Gary Chorizo, General Counsel