Dear Senior Leadership Team,

Last night’s production of Theater director Lowell Balsaque’s “Titanic: The Last Chapter” was an unmitigated disaster. We anticipate a class action lawsuit by those in attendance and the actors and penalties from the Sylvester County Code Inspectors. We may also lose our accreditation.

Briefly, Professor Balsaque envisioned an ‘experiential’ Titanic performance in which the audience would ‘feel the ship sinking into the icy Arctic waters.’ To that end, high pressure fire hoses were set up, connected to the College’s hydrant system. (You may have walked past the theater and wondered about the hoses). Based on a careful study of the Titanic’s last hours as a floating vessel, Balsaque also arranged for fires to be set.

After the iceberg collision in the performance, large fires were set on stage. At first the audience thought these were fake fires. When they came to realize that the fires were real, and the auditorium was starting to fill with smoke, panic set in. Balsaque had anticipated this and had all of the doors locked from the outside. He wanted those in attendance to ‘feel the panic that the real passengers felt.’ Then came the fire hoses which were directed at both actors and the audience to reproduce the experience of being on a sinking ship. Fortunately, the hoses also extinguished the fire but then the auditorium filled with smoke and steam.

Eventually, fire fighters from surrounding counties broke into the theater and treated audience members for smoke inhalation, panic attacks, several sprained ankles, and three cardiac incidents. Balsaque was questioned by law enforcement and then taken into custody on arson charges.

We really need to lawyer up on this one. This is bad. Unimaginably bad.

President of Willard College Dr. Henry Cotton & Provost Lying

Dear President Cotton,

We are continuing to have difficulties with one of the longest serving faculty on campus. Yes, you know who I’m talking about. Professor Tottle. Somehow, despite our every effort, we have ben unable to dismiss him from Willard College. Between hiring excellent lawyers and managing to hide when we go looking for him, Professor Tottle manages to hang on.

This week, we learned that he is holding classes when he wants to. That means that if at 8am he’s ready to teach, he starts teaching. Even if the class doesn’t start until 9am. This is causing mass chaos for our students, those who still attend class anyway. His latest shenanigans also means that we cannot find him.

We will keep trying to 1) locate Professor Tottle and 2) fire him.

Until then, yours with great devotion,

Provost Lying

Dear Community, The Steven Pudding Foundation has made a generous grant to Willard College. Thanks to the Pudding Family, campus dining will now move into the 21st century with more nutritious offerings to our students.

The Pudding Family have led the way in pathbreaking financial instruments. Fortune called the “Pudding Triangle” “the modern-day version of the Ponzi Scheme.” In a demonstration of our gratitude, the Economics, Business, Finance, Accounting, and CyberCurrency Department now uses the “Pudding Triangle” as the core of all their courses.

Provost Lying.

Today is a momentous day for Willard College, when we gather to joyfully celebrate the origin story of Willard College. It all started as dream of a young cheesemonger, Willard Sylvester. Tired of cheesemongering, and dairy work more generally, he happened upon a slim volume that described a new notetaking technique called stenography. Intrigued, he pored over the book for weeks until his wife grew concerned. She called the family doctor who prescribed cold baths, purgatives, and measured doses of opium. When that failed, she called the town judge. He was about to be committed to the local asylum when he snapped out of his fevered state and announced his vision. “I will create The New American College of Stenography.” What started as a small storefront operation with Sylvester as the only teacher, as well as bursar, provost, and president, soon expanded into a venerable institution that taught not just stenography but also other skills needed to support America’s growing office work force. As the school expanded, he was joined by colleague and office professional, Bartelby Melville. Some of the favorite courses included “Staple removal,” “Paper clip storage,” and “Looking Busy: How do Keep up Appearance.”

The story of how The New American College of Stenography grew into Willard College is a familiar story and I will not belabor the telling here.

Sincerely, President Henry Cotton

Dear Campus, I’m excited to announce a series of drastic cuts that will go into effect immediately across the Willard College campus and community. These cuts come after careful deliberation with the Board of Trustees, President Cotton, Provost Lying, and Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, who has been hired as a consultant during the vetting and cost-saving study process.

Effective immediately, the following will be implemented

1. Toilet paper will not be provided at campus bathrooms. Bathrooms with low traffic will be closed, the water shut off, the doors locked.
2. Anticipatory involuntary reductions in headcount will occur across campus units, save exempted units. See below.
3. Janitorial, dining hall, and public safety staff will be reduced by 75%. Those duties will be distributed to those faculty who remain employed. Please keep an eye out for a training session. You must do the 8 hour training session to be certified as a custodian, cook, or public safety officer. And you must be certified to remain employed as faculty.
4. Facilities staff, including landscaping, will be introduced to new technologies, including AI, to assist in streamlining as staff capacity is reduced
5. Air conditioning and heating will be available for persons delivering vital services to the college. This includes administration. Faculty access will be determined based on a survey that you will be receiving shortly.
6. Because of the vital role played by sports in maintaining the Willard brand, Athletics is not being reviewed for cuts.

Sincerely, Dr. Ekelhaft Poubelle, Chief Financial Officer

Dear Esteemed and Beloved Trustees of Willard College,

I humbly present relevant information concerning recent rumors to the effect that I, Provost Lying, have, or have attempted, to wield the supreme authority of the college, a power that resides exclusively in the office and person of the President of Willard College, with that person being Dr. President Henry Cotton, whose service to this college remains both unparalleled and sacrificial.

The source of these rumors remains unknown but I have established a committee to determine who is the culpable party. Willard College has faced the threat of false

information before. I refer you to the following cases:

1. Willard College debunks rumors concerning a rise in food-borne illnesses on campus
2. Provost Pillow and President Cotton Refute Rumors
3. Willard College Board of Trustees Repudiate Allegations of Money Laundering
4. President Henry Cotton Refuses to Resign, Announces Promotion

A clear pattern emerges. Rumors circulating are always false.

I have neither the skill or inclination to move beyond the already wide remit of my position as Provost of Willard College, a position that I came to during a period of deep financial and institutional crisis, a crisis that was the fault of forces well beyond the control of our dear and esteemed President, Dr. Henry Cotton, whose steady leadership at the helm remains very steady indeed.

Sincerely, Provost Lying.

Dear Community,

After receiving suggestions that Willard College might thin its supposedly bloated administrative staffing through Artificial Intelligence applications, the Office of the Provost and President’s Commission appointed a working group to study the matter. The working group, composed of seasoned mid-level administrators from the Office of the Provost and the President’s Office joined forces with colleagues in the Dean of Dean’s Office, the office of the Vice President of Vice Presidents Office, the Dean of Parking, the Office of the Vice President of Enrollment Management, and other key stakeholders.

After conducting a series of mathematically significant tests of savings analysis, the working group determined that such a move would be INADVISABLE at this critical juncture in the American Higher Education Landscape.

Inspired by the interest, we are studying AI applications with respect to faculty.

Provost Lying

Dear Willard Community,

Plumbing issues have developed on our campus. Of particular concern, the toilets in the presidential office complex have ceased to function. As such, President Cotton and his staff of 85 are without sanitary facilities. The cost to repair the plumbing is prohibitively expensive. A temporary facility has been installed.

Please consider a donation to the Plumbers Fund!

Best regardlessness,

Eufalua Cotton, Executive Administrative Secretary to Provost Lying

Dear Willard Community,

When a Willard graduate does something, we want you to know about it. Ambrosia Nettle, Willard ’84, has been painting since she graduated from Willard College. We think her latest work is just, well, neat. And how wonderful that it made national news!

Congratulations Ambrosia!