Dear Campus of Willard College,

As many of you know, my name is Dr. Meldrim Nackie Loeb and I serve YOU as Vice President of Finances at Willard College. I take my job seriously. I’m not one for mickeymousing or knickknacking about! I also don’t like wasting time. Several many all of you have written asking when contracts will be issued for AY 23-24. Great question and I’m here to give a straight answer. First we have to look at the spread sheets. We assess income and expenses. We look at the red and the black. Then we need to bore down a bit more and determine which expenses are necessary, which expenses add value to the consumer (student) experience! Second we consider externalities and intangibles. Third we then return to the first point and reexamine the spread sheets in the spirit of the second point. We now move on to the fourth point, the global economy and its impacts on points one, two, and three.

At this point, I think I’ve shared more than enough for you to process. I look forward to picking up where we left off next week.

Sincerely, Vice President Meldrim Nackie Loeb

Dear Beloved Community,

Objects, of undetermined origin and nature, have been located in the Willard College Swimming Pool which has been closed for the foreseeable future. If anyone saw anyone, or anything, that might be considered suspect at the pool yesterday, please contact head lifeguard Byron “Sammy” McDanielsberg.

We know this is disappointing the numerous kids attending summer camps at Willard College! Sorry.

Meanwhile, have a great summer.

Dr. Colney Hatch, Vice President of Marketing and Development

Dear Board of Trustees,

Willard lost everyone’s emails. All of them. Every single last one. No one has anything, including addresses so people have to manually look up emails in the paper directory. Because the department websites all crashed. Sadly, this also impacted payroll so no one is getting paid until August. Except administrators who felicitously are on a different payroll system that works out of bank in Suriname.

Cut backs during the last few years have weakened the College’s IT department. Fortunately, as you may know, our Department of Computers is assisting in getting everyone back on line. The chair of the Department, Melissa Gristle, is working on it!

Sincerely,

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Willard College Communities, If you have been unable to reach the Department of Compuers either by phone or email, you are not alone! It looks as if the server platform is not aligning well with the pairing that was done last week by the consultants who came into to perform said work. It is a pretty technical problem that involves wiring issues, out of date software and failure to renewal licenses, bugs in the hardware, etc. My personal motto: “I like failure because it is so easy to achieve!”

Professor Melissa Thistle, Chair of the Department of Compuers

Dear Willard College Learning Community Members,

After a brief Hiatus, the Department of Computers is back online! Please join us for an information session where you can learn about the cutting edge courses and seminars available to students. Many of our courses are available to be taken remotely. Live the dream. Technology is our future. Be the future. Dream the Future!

Dr. Melissa Gristle, Professor and Chair of the Department of Computers

Willard College does not forget its great teachers. Too often they are forgotten. And so we are celebrating one of the great ones. Maples Schimmerling. Willard College Professor. Extraordinaire. Thanks Maples!

Provost Vandergrind

Do you listen? Do you really listen? Do you listen empathetically? Do you feel the words you are hearing? Do you HEAR but not LISTEN? If you can answer any of those questions, the required “Empathetic Listening: The Journal Experience” is the answer. Hosted by our very own Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton, Director of Counseling Services, Professor of Psychology, member of the Board of Trustees, mother to two children, step mother to three children, and former step mother of several other children, the workshop promises to be a building experience.

The workshop is required for all Faculty and Staff and lasts Monday-Friday, 8am-5pm. There will be weekly sessions all summer. Please sign up now! As space is limited!

Provost Vandergrind

Dear Community Members,

As you may know, we’ve had a tumultuous past few months with respect to Enrollment Management. As Fall enrollment numbers plunged, we made a series of bold administrative moves. First, we fired the entire staff of the Office of Enrollment Management. We then hired consultants to evaluate what was going on. Their report suggested problems beyond the Office of Enrollment Management, so that team was rehired, minus the majority who had found new jobs in the intervening 46 hours. Dr. Knight Waist comes to Willard with years of experience in corporate human resource work. If you’ve ever dined at an Arby’s or Olive Garden, you’ve benefited from Dr. Waist’s expertise!

Welcome Dr. Knight Waist!

Sincerely, Provost Vandergrind

Dear Faculty and Colleagues,

We are really excited to unleash the new promotional material for Willard College. All outgoing materials will feature the phrase “Chose Willard!” This new phrase has been carefully vetted by both our in house team and by Willard College graduate focus groups. We hope this will inspire a new generation of high school students to “Chose Willard!”

Chose Willard!

Sincerely,

Dr. Colney Hatch, Vice President of Marketing and Development

Dear Community, In a recent memorandum concerning the Five Stages of Employment at Willard College we neglected to list Gary Chorizo’s position at the college. We would like to apologize for this oversight. The mistake was made because Mr. Chorizo is currently in the process of being Off-Planked and his paper work was in transit.

Thank you Mr. Chorizo for your years of service.

Provost Vandergrind