Dear President Cotton,

As per your request, we looked into the Men’s Soccer team’s 0-15 record last fall. We think we figured out the problem. Coach Jimmy Hamburger was apparently not vetted before he was hired. He has no training or experience as a coach. He ran an arcade on the Jersey Shore. Apparently the team’s entire training schedule was comprised of playing Fussball. None of the players complained because practice sessions also included beer and tacos.

Provost Lying and Director of Athletics, Johnson Balls