Dear President Cotton,

We are continuing to have difficulties with one of the longest serving faculty on campus. Yes, you know who I’m talking about. Professor Tottle. Somehow, despite our every effort, we have ben unable to dismiss him from Willard College. Between hiring excellent lawyers and managing to hide when we go looking for him, Professor Tottle manages to hang on.

This week, we learned that he is holding classes when he wants to. That means that if at 8am he’s ready to teach, he starts teaching. Even if the class doesn’t start until 9am. This is causing mass chaos for our students, those who still attend class anyway. His latest shenanigans also means that we cannot find him.

We will keep trying to 1) locate Professor Tottle and 2) fire him.

Until then, yours with great devotion,

Provost Lying

Dear Community, The Steven Pudding Foundation has made a generous grant to Willard College. Thanks to the Pudding Family, campus dining will now move into the 21st century with more nutritious offerings to our students.

The Pudding Family have led the way in pathbreaking financial instruments. Fortune called the “Pudding Triangle” “the modern-day version of the Ponzi Scheme.” In a demonstration of our gratitude, the Economics, Business, Finance, Accounting, and CyberCurrency Department now uses the “Pudding Triangle” as the core of all their courses.

Provost Lying.