During a recent meeting, that was calm except when punctuated by screaming and crying, President Cotton laid out his vision for the next several months of our precious college. As Dr. Cotton observed, “We will not be doing another round of layoffs, unless we do. If we do, please disregard the first half of the first sentence. If we don’t, please disregard the second sentence but remember that the second half of the first sentence may still be relevant should the facts of the second sentence prove otherwise.” Several faculty fainted during the meeting. At the close of the event, Dr. DeGrosse and Dr. Petigrew began screaming at each other. Despite having issued restraining orders against each other, they somehow managed to both end up at the same meeting. The argument concerned a dirty bowl that had been left in the department’s sink last week. Both professors were detained by Campus Security.

Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety

Dear Willard Community, After a tumultuous year at the helm of the Office of Onboarding, Milton Bloor has “left the floor.” He has moved on. Bloor brought old fashioned values to the campus. He reinstituted flogging, gruel, dunce caps, staying after class to clean erasers, and other practices that perhaps merit serious consideration. No one who crossed paths with Bloor will forget his jolly sense of humor, the back slapping, and the offer to smoke a stogie with him. Good luck Mr. Bloor!

Dr. Lester Pedigrew has been detained after he assaulted Dr. Lionel DeGrosse with a computer keyboard. DeGrosse sustained laceration wounds. The conflict erupted after DeGrosse requested, and received permission, to switch classrooms with Pedigrew. Pedrigrew’s course, “Sanitation Works in American Literature” has failed to enroll more than one or two students over the past three decades. DeGrosse’s “Sex, Sex, and Sex in American Film” rarely has an empty seat.

Pedigrew’s other courses, including “Hungarian Poets in America, 1850-1890” and “Footnotes in French Literary Criticism: A Reevaluation” have rarely had enough students to run.

DeGrosse and Pedigrew’s feud dates back to 1999 when DeGrosse courted and then married Pedigrew’s then-wife, Sally Pedigrew. Pedigrew then remarried Nancy DeBeers, of the South African diamond family. DeGrosse then courted and married DeBeers, and then divorced Sally. DeGrosse was charged with bigamy but the state dropped the case. Pedigrew has attempted to burn down DeGrosse’s home, placed bombs in the undercarriage of his cars, paid waiters to put glass in his food, etc. DeBeers divorced DeGrosse in 2014 and sued him for any money or other valuables that may have accrued to him during their short and by all accounts unhappy marriage. DeGrosse has to date failed to remarry.

Until today’s assault, Pedigrew has evaded arrest.

As President Cotton reminded us, “I expect us all to get along. Fighting and feuding detract from the college’s core mission of fund-raising.”

Gary Chorizo, General Counsel-interim and Glendale Poulet, Director of Public Safety

Dear Willard College Commuters,

Effective yesterday, parking regulations have changed. All faculty and staff are being asked to park at the remote parking facility. There will be shuttle buses to bring you from the facility to campus. Shuttles leave at 7am and 8am or 730am and 915am. Please ask the parking lot attendant when you arrive for the day’s schedule.

Parking fees and shuttle fares will be shifting upward. Cash only. We are unable to provide change. Fees reflect Willard College’s commitment to a sustainable planet.

Hailliey Marx, Director of Traffic Management