Dearest Loving Willard Community,

Starting today you will be seeing Provost Vandergrind on campus using a gold cart. We at the highest levels of senior leadership believe that the Provost needs to be able to move around campus in as efficient a manner as possible. So don’t be surprised to see him going between classes and even into buildings in his golf cart. Please wave him down if you want to chat, hear about the latest exciting innovations at Willard College that promises to bring us forward towards the 2023-2024 Strategic Plan of “Care Loudly.” Provost Vandergrind is never too busy to spare a few minutes in his busy schedule to hear your ideas!

Sincerely, Associate Provost and Legal Counsel for Willard College, Jimmy Crackers

We faithfully reproduce Provost Vandergrind’s empathetic message to our students about EMPATHY:

Dear Willard College Scholars and Learnerers, There is no quality in a person greater, more magnificent, more wonderful, than EMPATHY. The word derives from the Greek to feel and absorb other’s pain. I want you to feel my pain today as I share how I showed our beloved President Henry Cotton EMPATHY as he was processing HIS pain about Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton’s recent arrest and indictment on racketeering and money laundering charges. Because I found my own empathy, I was able to patiently listen as President Cotton screamed at me for three hours about the abovementioned crisis and also the state of the college’s reputation, finances, and a series of possible indictments that members of the upper administration will likely face, along with several lawsuits by former faculty.

So my message to you Willard College scholars is DIG DEEP. BREATHE. Hold our beloved President and his dear wife in your hearts.

Have a great semester!

Dear Board of Trustees,

I figured you all should hear it from me, Pastel Lumbar, Athletic Director, and not from the media. Willard College’s Equestrian Team has been permanently banned from competition. Hey, it is bullshit but let me tell you what the state is telling me and Jimmy Crackers. Basic rundown: some problems with medication of the horses, possible action on school based competition, some allegations of having the team race horses on weekends, and some questions about conditions in the stables. The whole thing is a bad beat. Anyway, even money Crackers can get us of the fix we are in.

OK, give a call because I’d rather not have anything else down on paper. Can’t figure out this email thing.

Pastel Lumbar, Athletic Director

Dear College,

As with great excitement it is for me to announce changes at the Willard College School of Music. As part of the School’s Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion initiative, we are adding a new program in Didgeridoo. Three new faculty have been hired. Naturally, at a time of scarce resources, we will sunset some of the more expensive and lately less appealing majors. Piano, cello, violin, viola, and bassoon as well as all instruments normally found in an orchestra, will no longer be offered at Willard College.

I’d like to also thank Dr. Henry Cotton and Dr. Cheryl Tina Fae Cotton whose recent work-related trip to Australia inspired this really inspirational change in the direction of the School of Music. Their tireless advocacy and several purchases at the Sydney International Airport gift shop made this possible.

With sincerements,

Dr. Diago Ordures