Thank you President Cotton for naming names as we try to sort out the various improprieties that have taken place on our campus over the past year. We thank you for your tremendous courage in helping us to investigate the question surrounding missing college funds. Naturally, we suspected that the accusations against you and your wife, Dr. and Right Reverend Cheryl Tina Faye Cotton were spurious at best. Now that you have clearly indicated that Special Assistant to Provost Vandergrind, Dr. Pousse de Fauteuil and Dr. Narcisse Nefasto, Provost of Non-Academics, were engaged in a nefarious plot to both destroy your good name AND to rob the college of its hard heard money, we have taken immediate action on the legal front. Both individuals will likely be in police custody soon. We feel that their ill-considered decision to flee is sufficient evidence of their culpability. It reminds us, sadly, of the case of Provost Pillow, who remains behind bars to this day for a similar crime.
Sincerely and gratefully, the Board of Trustees.